Experience - Almost a month of learning White Water Kayaking

Somewhere I had read “We must try learning hard things, that’s how we grow. Overtime distress tolerance increases through repetition. Mind will start to recognize the surroundings and form patterns. Distress will eventually change into curiosity.” What is theory without practical, I was right there living it by doing White Water Kayaking.

Consistency moves mountains. Something you thought you couldn’t do, you would be able to do if you stay consistent. Result of having this experience first hand because of yoga. I decided to enroll for kayaking. This time not for 4-5 days. Instead, for almost a month. Have gone several times for short spans but it never felt enough. Most likely due to intense fear. Everyone has some level of fear. Mine was paralyzing.

I reached Rishikesh. The next day I was expected to show up for a pool session. To brush up whatever I had done in my previous visits. I did go. As part of kayaking, everyone carries their own boats to the start point. I had to change and come into kayaking gear. Was wearing the dry top ( dry top protects you from cold river water) it sort off got stuck. I felt breathless, I removed it again from half way. This was the first time when it hit me, maybe I cannot do it. Struggle with the sport itself is different, struggling with the gear, lifting the kayak, fitting the spray deck etc. Makes you feel demotivated. I was gasping for breath already. And, in my head questing what have I signed up for? Why do I want to do this ?

I entered the pool. The pool water was so cold. Despite wearing a wet suit, dry top, skull cap. I was feeling cold. Peak level anxiety triggered. Before even sitting in the kayak. I tried to float, dip my face in water, backfloat. Dipping face in cold water was a real struggle. I finally, sat in the kayak. Going underwater while being in the kayak is part of the process. Did once or twice. Due to breathlessness, fear, anxiety. I asked them I want to quit. I am ready to do nothing and sit in rishikesh. But, not kayaking.

My instructor told me this - “Quitting is easy, however mind you quitting will impact your own self esteem and moral. And, if you persist same thing will give you a sense of achievement and moral boost”, “Growth happens only in discomfort”. I decided to persist. We continued the drills. Instead of going all by myself. They asked me to hold hand and underwater. This helped reduce the anxiety. I still wasn’t comfortable with the whole gear, cold water.
More practice, and we reached a level where we had left last time the rescue drill i.e T-rescue.

Next day, learn to kayak course was starting. This was the 4th time I was doing it. However, I was only as good as someone who was doing for first time. There was no river run. So, from that point of view I was at peace. Anxiety was still my friend. We did more drills. River water was better than the pool. But, yes cold. I wasn’t staying underwater. I wanted to chicken out of kayak as soon as possible.

We did more drills:
1. Going underwater by holding the instructor’s kayak with one hand and then coming up.
2. Leaving the kayak going underwater and coming up using T-rescue.
3. A missed T-rescue was a wet-exit. You open the spray deck and come out of your kayak.
4. Bit of paddling practice.

Everytime before going underwater I had to brave my mind. I used to ask everyone around me for water to drink. Just to get more time and avoid going underwater. Next day was river run, which had class I rapids. It went well. However, due to my anxiety and fear. I just wanted to get done with the river run. Next day we practiced and went for river run. I didn’t flip. It went well.

Next two days again there were river runs. My fear had not reduced. Everyday before going I used to call my mom. And, only thing I used to say was “I am scared, I have fear. Others are able to do it”. For a day or two she supported. Then, one day she responded “see for yourself, if you want to do it or not. Otherwise, put an end to it. Later don’t say you want go do it again.” That was the last day of me telling her anything about my fear.

2 more days of river run. I didn’t flip and it went well. The basic kayak course ended. However, post this I was asked to do river run that is done on last day of the course i.e class II river run almost every day. All I wanted to do was class I. And, what I was made to do was class II river run. Then, post river run practice on flat section. As, T-rescue’s were happening fine. Despite the limited practice I was doing of underwater drills. They asked me to move to next drill i.e self rescue drill. Guitar roll and eskimo roll.

You go underwater with your paddle, and come up on your own. Needs bit more time underwater, bit of flexibility, timing. If you miss the guitar roll then t-rescue. Going underwater wasn’t comfortable. And, when on the run you can flip. This was causing stress. And, then if you do wet exit. You swim the rapid.

River runs continued. My body language while paddling was much better than how it was on Day 1. However, one day I flipped. Flipping takes a split second when you are on the run. Within no time you are upside down. This was week 2 of practice. Week 1, was the course. I again panicked, despite being told to take t-rescue. I popped out of my kayak. Rescue kayak came, I hung onto it. And, they took me to a side.

I complained, cribbed, ranted and what not. Questioned my decision. What was more troublesome was ego when everyone else is able to do it? Why am I not able to do it?. I recalled when I had done this for first time. They had told me the sport is more of a mental game. Apart from everything physical.

I was getting trained for Physical. However, the onus of mental training was on me. During yoga training, in our chanting class. We used to have Nirvana shatakam, Rudrashatakam. It is a chant for Shiva. And, answers lot of life questions. It bought me peace back then, and my mind was quick to map. This can help here. It became a routine. Everyday before leaving, I used to listen to this, followed by meditation i.e box breathing to be specific. These two things calmed me down.

Some more exploration. I came across Instagram profiles of foreign women who paddle. They are running a community, podcast around the mental aspect of the game. During the day, I used to tune in to those podcasts, read blogs. Focusing on the mental aspect calmed me down. Calm is relative, doesn’t mean I had become a zen.

Here is a gist of everything I consumed:
1. Hard moves, easy water.
2. What you resist, you persist.
3. Practice, there are no short cuts. For me this meant. Go underwater.
4. Try to smile when you are underwater.

More river runs. And, this time I didn’t do wet-exit. Small goal was to be able to take t-rescue in a rapid. I flipped in the same rapid where for the first time when I had come and couldn’t even do a wet-exit the basic drill. Finally, was able to take t-rescue. Thanks to my instructor, who came right there.

From someone who used to ask for water to drink as many times as I was asked to go underwater. To practicing relentlessly. In the last 10 days, I was doing around 20 rolls in practice. Which means 20 times underwater. I was also psyched to get that first roll. Kept watching and re-watching sweep roll videos on youtube. The move is not as easy. On top of that it is counter-intuitive. If you try to bring your face out first. Instead of coming upright. You will again go down.

My focus had shifted from anxiety to getting the roll right. And, only way to get it right was practice. Once in the while I did hit a jackpot. Roll unlocked. However, it was like worked twice and next 20 attempts are all failed. Highs and lows, while every successful attempt gave a high. Consecutive 20 failed attempts made me frustrated. This was happening every day.

River runs finally became enjoyable. I stopped asking when is the run going to end. Can we keep going instead of chilling mid way. I laughed with them, heard some fun, scary and tales of bravery. My fear of rafts, and high volume. Gave the crew an opportunity to tease me. I experienced freedom. No one told me “Mridu, can you laugh less loudly?”, “Why are you wearing this?”, “Why are you saying this?”, “Can you behave like how girls are expected to?“, “Marriage?” there is more that a women gets to listen from the society and have internalized. Each of us have our own demons to fight.

Many years ago, I had heard a TED Talk “Why should more women practice Adventure?”. Listen, if you haven’t yet. What the speaker talks about when it comes to women upbringing and why we must break free has stayed. After all these years. This time I could see more women at the river. Women raft guides, safety kayaker. Which bought a big smile on my face.

All of this has made me think “If you go to the river, or the river calls you.” I feel a bit more drawn to the river. Sitting on the rocks besides the river, or just staring at the river from ghat. Has turned out to be a blissful and one of its kind experience. It gives peace. Does river heal you? Maybe it does.

The whole experience of being right there in the middle of river is surreal. Never, thought I would experience the river from so close. And, be curious about river reading, expeditions. Maybe baby expeditions.

For some it can be thrill and adrenaline rush that comes with the sport. However, for me it is a way to get mentally strong.

More than happy to see more women on the river. Happy to help in whatever way I can. Even though, I am myself a novice. That being said, all the men at the river whom I have kayaked with. Thanks to each one of them for being supportive and always cheering, pushing no matter what.

Several years ago, I had made this checklist, here :

When I am strong and have the strength to hold the kayak all by myself,
Fix the spray deck on my own
When we make our way in the river. I do it on my own.
When a rapid comes I should be confident and not fearful
In the face of fear do as I am directed to do. And not act contrary.
If not the other rescues at least I should do the wet exit comfortably.
If asked for a river run. There should be a resounding Yes, I am up for it.
Above all, be one with the water.

Safe to say, that some of them are achieved. Everything that I thought I would never, even some of that is achieved. Grateful to the team at team4adventure for making it possible and a workplace that gave me flexibility. All runs were done before work started.