Earn People, Build Relationships continued.

On the night of 27th December, I was on a call with a friend. I was explaining to her, the condition is critical. And, how hopeless I am. I had given up that night. She gave me hope. I broke down on call. She patiently made sure to listen. I had the luxury of calling her anytime I want. For however long I want. On 28th December morning, I was hopeful of recovery. I was doing my regular morning activities. In my own zone. I was back home. I opened the door. The world had fallen apart.

Well, this time the tables had turned. One after the other when everyone was coming. Rule #1 still remained the same. Be strong, not to break down. For the first time in my life, I hugged people tight. Ears were open to listening to what they had to say. Amid all of this. I was trying to find strength, words of encouragement. Hands down, hugs are magical.

We were short of time. We were told to do things as early as possible because the body had started to deteriorate. Parents had raised us equally. But, society doesn't work that way. There were people stopping me from giving the shoulder support, stopping from going to the cremation ground. When at the cremation ground, I was asked not to see the pyre. Well, I did everything I was stopped from doing. I am quite satisfied with that.

I was still processing it all. Same day evening school friends showed up. They were there with me. To listen to what I had to say. Them showing up relieved me. I had nothing to talk about but mere presence can make you feel better in tough times.

I was skeptical about sharing this news with my mentor. I couldn't keep it to myself and I ended up emailing. I was touched by reading his response. "Mridu... try to be composed and collected and contribute to strengthening your family's feelings in the hour of grief. Especially your mother."

2 days passed. On the third day, we had to go to the same place. Collect the ashes and go for doing the final rites. I was heading back from there and was on road. To my surprise, a WhatsApp message dropped "Had been wanting to talk to you. Let me know when can I call you?"

Late evening that day we got on a call. He listened to what I had to share, shared his tale. Coincidentally, our stories turned out to be similar. He could empathize with my situation. He re-iterated "We'll be in touch". Happiness shared gets doubled. Pain and sorrow shared get reduced.

Grief and pain is such a weird state that probably not everyone might be able to feel what you are going through. It ain't as easy as going neck-deep into the work and avoiding the situation altogether. I think it had to be embarrassed.

I had no expectations. And, probably never thought that I will get to learn to handle this life situation as well from the mentor. It was too kind of him to call. That one call helped me live through this. I was also glad that he acknowledged the fact that all this is really tough. Having an elder more experienced person as your friend, mentor whatever you name it. Greatly helps. Their worldview, experience is different than yours and like a curious kid, I get to learn a lot.

I have experienced loss before. But, I never experienced it from this close.

Back in 2017, I started my first internship. My father came along to drop me in Bangalore. He accompanied me to my first workplace. Met my colleagues there. When those colleagues saw this news. They reached out. They shared how they still remember that meeting and how that conversation is still fresh in their minds. They still have his business card. I smiled wide ear to ear. Because why not, I didn't anticipate this too. I don't work at the same place anymore. I'm in touch, but I'm not in constant touch. Still, they remember.

A lot of folks from my college personally reached out. The ones I talked with, the ones I lost touch with. My own batch, the batch senior to me. I know it must have been equally difficult for you all to reach out. And more because you too would have thought what should we say? I read all your messages. Thank you for reaching out. All gestures of kindness mean a lot. ❤️

Friends who are far apart with regards to distance. Were a phone call away.

In my short career so far. My current team gave me the time to process it. To live through it. Checked-in on me. Took the time out to call me. Pinged me and told me to let them know in case I need someone to talk to.

Living through this experience has also taught me what to do when someone else goes through the same pain. Listen to them. Give no advice. If you can, give them confidence.

I'm habitual of living alone. However, when with the family. Knowing that parents are around you can sleep at peace. Fathers are protective shields. The initial couple of days at night were tough. A slight noise at night, I would wake up.

When fathers are around. No one pokes you in your matters. Random uncle aunty questioning your call on marriage are way too less. As I say it, tables have turned now.

Life changes.

It ain't as easy as getting busy with your own things. If getting busy and clocking 80+ hours a day is the only goal. How are we different from machines?

You can tell get back to work to a 26 yr old. My friend, acceptance of loss for a 20yr is very different. Explaining him destiny is difficult. And, if it is destiny why the hell are we day and night putting in efforts for a better tomorrow? I think it is a fair question to have.

Maa is still in a very fragile state. Hospital experiences are traumatic, to say the least. I remember her words. "Doctors had given up, but how could I give up? I wanted to try every medicine possible till the very end." I had no words.

My father's younger brother was there too throughout. On his return ended up telling my grandmother "Maa... I went to the hospital when papa was admitted. I was there when bhaisaab got admitted. Still, I could bring home none."

Maa has become extra protective of us. Delay in coming then our said time worries her. Where are we going? With whom are we going? When will we be back?

We were never late-night party animals. A home that accepted us to get in by 11 PM and used to just keep calling us meanwhile to ensure our safety has an in-time now. 7 PM has started feeling too late to her.

Hanuman Chalisa, Maha-Mratuyanjay, Shabad, Sai Baba Arti. You can ask me if there is anything left. I have played all to find solace.

Any discussion related to marriage. Used to result in a fun fight. 3 of them used to team up against me. Strong and Independent first has been my priority.

While I fought, still fight. I won't give in. She might have thought together they might someday discuss it. In my absence. That day didn't come. She is worried and wants me to think about the next thing in life. Life throws you in weird situations. I know right.

Maa has started to question her own timeline. There was a time when both of them gave us confidence. It has reversed now. Every now and then I have to remind her brighter things lie ahead. I'll be able to do it. We'll be able to do it.

Maa doesn't like getting on the call, narrating the same things to many. What happened, how did it happen? She doesn't want to recall. She is living in a cocoon. Talking to only near and dear ones.

In families, there is no replacement for loss. There is only a reshuffling of responsibilities. The onus is on me for a lot of things. You learn to cope and live with the loss. There is no reverse.

Everyone else who reached out and I haven't mentioned. Thank you for checking in.

Not sure what good did I do to deserve the warmth and help, or it is sympathy out of the situation that has led to this. I assume good intent.

I penned the experience down so that memory does not fade away. I am not interested in rushing through life either. The man who gave his life earning respect, building relationships, living for others, upbringing his kids. He does not deserve to be forgotten the very next day.

Life from here on is all onwards and upwards.

Thank you. 🙏🏻